10 days.

"I hope they call me on a mission."

   I've been called. I've been assigned to serve in Ventura, California. I leave in 10 days. It's a flood of emotion right now. I'm leaving everything I know, everything I have grown up with and finally become used to, and I'm going somewhere new. Somewhere where people don't know me, where people don't care who I am. Am I scared? Yes. I'm terrified. Am I excited? More excited than I've ever been. 

   I think the hardest thing for me, is leaving those who I love. I don't like to be far from my close ones. BUT, a thought came into my mind. I have close friends, eternal friends, waiting for me in Ventura. I just need to find them. I want my best friend (you're probably the only one reading this,) to send me letters! To keep me posted on her beautiful life. How much fun she is having, how swimming is going, and to just write, "I love you." I am going to always write her back, and barrage her with letters and emails:) 

   Oh, and see those shoes up top? Mine are going to look worse than those. I will work the hardest. I am going to wear myself out trying to bring those who are willing to accept the gospel into the church! It's going to be great. Mormon Californians baby:) thats the goal.

10 days... and counting. scared, excited, happy, sad, and everything in between.

I'm thankful.

I'm so grateful for this holiday. I'm grateful for my family. They have been my support through my whole life. Through my trials, through my achievements, just always. I love them and would give up everything for them. Another thing that's been on my mind is second chances. Im thankful that through God's grand scheme he's given me a second chance to learn. I lost somebody in my life because I was proud, and impatient. I thought I would never get her back again. Ive been dying for what seems like forever and last week, unexpectedly she showed up into my life, and things are amazing. I'm grateful for her. She makes me so happy... I dont have words to explain my feelings other than I love her. She has a beautiful soul, so kind but strong. Every girl I see doesn't come close to her, in personality, looks, and whatever it is! The problem with every girl is, they're not her. And she's what I want forever. I'm thankful for my second chances, and I'm thankful for b:)
I'm thankful for my life:)
I'm thankful for missions:)
I'm thankful for my savior:)
I'm just feeling extremely thankful.

Friends

Friends. I am so grateful for my friends. I have a close friend that teased me that everyone is my "best" friend. I just love those people in my life that have blessed my life. Never sacrifice a friendship for selfishness. I have made decisions in some cases that have hurt friends and I realized that friendship is an eternal principle. I can have friends forever. Just like my family:) Im blessed! I see the Lord's hand in guiding me to certain people who have become my closest friends. We build each other up and grow together. Anyways, I love you my friends. Thanks for all you do for me:)

So hard to do, so easy to say...

Things are good, life is limbo, and I'm growing everyday. I hate lying and saying that I'm always great, and everyone loves me. Truth is, I've screwed up in a lot of ways, and anyone who reads this, I'm specifically speaking to you and saying, I'm sorry. I don't try to sacrifice friendships, I don't try to ruin relationships, it's painful how I am placed in scenarios time and time again where I'm misunderstood, and people assume I have an alterior motive. World, I'm very sorry for the screw ups and I'm learning every day how I'm more and more human, full of flaws. BUT, it's the beauty of life, I have learned, I have grown and I can try my best to fix those things and move forward learning from past mistakes and doing my absolute best to be a good person, a good man. I love my family... I love my friends... And I love this girl. The same one, and only one I ever have. Im trying to do my best, to show love and support to those close to me, but sometimes I don't know exactly how. I'm now just rambling, but these are things on my mind, and I need to get them out on paper so I can have more sanity:) God loves us, I know he does... Timing is everything, and though timing in my life seems to always suck, God's timing is always right. Faith baby, that's what it all comes down to:)

Tim Mcgraw...

This has been a very interesting week and a half... I have been reflecting on basically everything going on in my life right now. Its almost as if someone pulled the blinders of my face and everything is flooding to me all at once. Im scared, excited, happy, sad, motivated, and a whole boxfull more of emotions. I keep thinking about the past, how good its been, how good my life was since the beginning of june. Its been a growing process for me, and I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned what love feels like, what it truly feels like. And it is the most incredible feeling. Its this feeling of, service, and passion and selflessness. I can't do it justice, I can't fully explain it. That giddy excitement, any time you know you are going to be with your love. Making every moment count, every moment engraining itself in your memory so that you can re live it over and over again. I learned how to love.
I learned that timing is so crucial in every human's life. That things are rarely accomplished in the time frame that "we" want, and that it's all in God's time. I know if I put him first, he'll take care of me. I am using my agency to give him my life. I know he is my master, and he truly loves me, when it feels that all other parts of my life are damaged and broken. I can always keep my chin up, be confident, and know that everything will all work out in time. I have a full 2 years away from this world I know now, and if I put my trust in the lord, then all the stressors of life will be sorted out. School. Work. Relationships... The biggest challenge, I've faced personally is patience. I know, that things will work out how they are meant to be. I also know, that we aren't supposed to just let life happen, we need to find a goal, and shoot for that goal. Give it everything to accomplish that goal and to make it work. So with these two concepts in my thoughts, I have been trying to apply them. To ask for guidance, to know what my father wants me to do, and then to go for it. To give it my all.
I was taking a shower today, listening to Tim Mcgraw and I was filled with thoughts and emotions of past times with someone so special to me. And that's what got me thinking about all of this.
I love life, and I still am in love. I still will be patient, and I'll still focus on what needs to be done.

COWBOY UP!

John Wayne... the man. I was thinking today about his comment, "lifes hard, its even harder if you're stupid."

Im done with all that. I've got 1 month left to have a ball, and im going to make every minute of it:)
So heres the goal, get a bunch of girls to write me... gotta love that.
I've got 3 different halloween parties to go to...
I need to read the BoM this month. front to back.
(no distractions)
write all my broha's and find out how their doing...
Get my buddy Seth back! he's my best bro ever.
Move on. ultimately. B and I broke up and I have to move on. I can't let one girl ruin my life and I just have to move forward, focus on other girls, focus on prep for the mission, and not be tied down! its fun. And honestly it feels good to be free of the ties.
Ima have some fun;)...

Because I'm still in love with you.

It's all a dream. It's been the most amazing dream I've ever had. I've fallen in love, and I've given my heart to someone. And now I'm stripped, I'm empty. Keeping my strong proud chin up while I'm dying inside, while I'm trying to tell myself, tomorrow will be all better, and I'll see my love, and she'll hold me and tell me everything will be okay. Then we'll go, with no plans and fill our day with each other. Her amazing smile, soft touch, just her. I will never deny my feelings for her. Whatever happens down this long windy road, im still in love with you. The funny stories, the family parties, the drives, walks, those nights under the stars on our golf course. It's gone. I've never been more damaged in my life. Im curious why the lord puts these people in my life, and then severs the relationships later. There's no one else. There's nothing I want other than you.
I've listened to "harvest moon" on repeat for an hour and a half because it's the only words that can touch how I'm truly feeling.
"when we were strangers, I watched you from afar,
When we were lovers, I loved you with all my heart."

A little confused, extremely optimistic...:)

I like these, they remind me of someone.

Mondays...

Mondays... gotta love them.
I spent all sunday with my lover friend, and I didnt want to go home! so I ended up getting home by 1030 and didn't really get to bed til midnight. So I woke up at 645, delirious, ready for a great day at work. Zombie mode, I showered, changed, then longboarded to work. "Work" is a cashier job at good earth. where the managers are all hypersensitive to EVERYTHING. and are all women. (I dont have a problem with women, I love one... there is just WAY too much estrogen in management.) So anyways, long day passed from 8 to 4 just standing there, checking out old people with their UTI pills, and wierd creams. So once I got done, I bounced home, feeling melancholy... I think the sky is what does that to me. And found mom teaching lessons, dad sleeping, and no one else home. So typical day. Worked out, and now just sitting here typing my boring day to whoever would like to read it. I hope my lady friend calls me tonight. She looked stunning yesterday. Im a lucky guy to have her as the sunshine in my sometimes cloudy life:)

Im an idiot.

Don't you love how you can totally lose control and take out your stress and frustration on the ones you love? I dont. Im a complete idiot, that potentially damaged my relationship with my sweetheart. I love her, and I should never, EVER, treat her poorly. She is my everything.
Im not going to get into detail or anything, I just messed up. She is a beautiful, capable, smart, funny girl who deserves more than any man can give her. Hopefully, we can fix things, but im scared I pooched it so bad. its all my fault.
anyways me, youre an idiot.
love,
me.

Recently.

(it's my dog. I just wanted a cool picture of something.)
So, I recently decided that I passionately, HATE when chicas that write blog posts using bold, italics, underlining, coloring, and all THAT GRAMMATICAL GARBAGE a.k.a. some chick named "anonymous." sorry linsey. Crap I slipped.   It gives me a migraine when I read 3 words changing fonts every line, and/or every word. I just named dropped. sorry. But it's true.
Im always wanting to change my blog scheme and mix it up, but ultimately I realized that it doesn't matter what the appearance is... just the content! So I know there are only a select few who follow my blog, so I'm going to try to make it something enjoyable and maybe even something useful to read...
 ANOTHER thing. I always just want to write about my lover. Brittani. She always. is. on. my. mind. Not in a distracting way, just in a way where I am always happy and comforted by the thought of her. She and I joke about who is the boss in the relationship, you know what, I definitely am. okay. no... I just like to think that. Im whipped. extremely... I just always want to make her happy. I could write a book on how I feel about brittani. I also feel extremely random on my writing scheme currently. Im having sporadic memories, and feelings rush through my body and I just want to get them out. Brittani is like facebook. She is addictive, and even if you put off things you should do to be with her, you're always happier, and its always a freaking blast.
I love the rain. Its raining right now. (the October night of the 4th) and I realized that fall is here. Its changing and I am so excited for this romantic season full of vibrant colors. I cannot wait for the fires up the canyon, the corn mazes, the pumpkins, Leroy at Heehaws with the massive balls... I guess he died. I hope they get another one who can compete in the manliness category. He's a stud. So falls here, its great! 
WELP, my blogs plain jane, sorry linsey... its not frilly and "fun" to read. and my life is not a fairy tale, and realistically, no ones is. So lets not fake it shall we. So anytime I go on a date with my girl, Im not going to go into every emotion or things that happened... making out, is well, making out. not an extravagant slow passionate kiss, that is intimate and full of sexual emotion. I dunno. I just get a kick out of these fairy tale blogs 15 year old girls read that get a weird rise out of them. So if you're looking for that, heres this... www.linseymariebrown.blogspot.com. My blog is blunt. and beautiful... like a black woman. anyways... Peace out!!

love and love and love.

I'm a emotional wreck without my love. Since no one reads my blog, and no one cares... I'm glad I could just share this thought with myself. anyways.



Keith Urban's "without you" playing softly in the background.

Birthdays, Strep, And No lover...

Welp, August 15th was my birthday... The tradition of birthdays in my family is as follows:
child one(kendall) : Big DEAL. first child birthday of the year. big party... big deal.
2nd birthday(Kate): Summer party! invite every friend you know for a massive bbq! bonfire, big party.
3rd birthday(Candice): Just celebrated the 24th of July, so we have a party, "after party" its still big and ballin.
4th birthday(Carly): August birthday, usually more family oriented, but seems to get the best presents.
5th birthday(Collin): Every stupid kid age 14-16 comes over, wrecks our house, and kyle gets to clean it up.
Me. (Kyle): Last birthday. Everyone has reached burn out. Parties are now no longer fun. Usually no one knows its my birthday until facebook says it... so anyways, it's just how it goes...

Well, I guess one thing was cool. My brother, got me a... sword? haha.
 

 So after this, I had the opportunity of having my lovely, amazing, girlfriend to head off on a cruise to tenotichlan or also known as mexico. You see, I'm a total mess without her and after being with her, it's suprising how I've made it 18 years without her. Anyways, the point is, I'm in love with her, and want her forever. SO.... she left on this cruise, and so I was bound and determined to keep myself busy with random tasks so I wouldn't get too lonely. So I found a great little job to stay occupied. I did some demolition on a basketball court with my brother, and about halfway through, felt insta weak. I didn't want to be a pansy, so I kept with it. ANYWAYS, long story short. I had strep, and instead of going camping with my family, I had the blessing of sitting on my couch watching the clock tick, shivering with a migraine.
This strep rocked my world. I have had it so many times in the past... but this one was different. For 48 hours straight, I moved between 2 rooms in my house, unable to move my neck. Zombie status. I am so grateful for priesthood blessings, and I know that's why I've been able to overcome this so quickly. So yep, still finishing the antibiotic, but I'm all good!

Anywho, It blew not having Brittani, and having strep, having no family home the first night... just kinda rough.
B GETS HOME TOMORROW THOUGH! I'm going to be at her house and kiss her and hug her until she slaps me... actually, I'll keep hugging her. It's worth it:)

 anyways, here are a few pics from my sunday afternoon:

Late nights...

I know no one reads my blog, but it gives me sanity. So, I just wanted to write about the late nights I have with Brittani. (this blog will not do any justice p.s.)

We always manage to find something to do, and there is never a dull moment. We will go for walks, bike rides, movies, fires, stargazing, the list goes on and on. Ultimately, I just love her, and I love all my time with her.
I think the reason we have so many late nights out together is we are so bad at saying goodbye. I don't like it... I hate it! I never want to say bye, I just want to take her with me. Anywhere I go. So.... love is on my mind. And right now, on this late night, it makes it hard to sleep, thinking about my lady.

You're more than a lover, you're my best friend.

Baby for sale!

"BABY" July 2010 - August 2011.
R.I.P.

So, I have this car...
Her name is Baby.
She's seen me through the good and the bad.
Our relationship was misunderstood for a while, I treated her poorly. BUT...
Over time, we learned to love and appreciate each other.
I called her "lesbaru" or "lesbian bug wagon." and she didnt say anything...
Just served me loyally. I shall miss you baby.
.......
.......
.......

Whatever. I have a girlfriend who loves me. Her name is Brittani, and  shes not a car :) Life's still great, and I just got 2,500 dollars. BOOM!

Stuff!

    I have had the best past few days:) I got to spend time with Brittani, and we watched a movie "French Kiss." Not going to lie... I thought it was going to be super super lame, but I actually really loved it. AND, it turns out it was my grandpa's favorite movie before he died... so double good!

    Also, I was able to spend all day on the fourth with her, we went to her grandma's house and I was so relieved when I was there. Everything felt easy, relaxed, and right. Her family is wonderful, and I was so glad I had the opportunity of meeting them. Im just happy when I am around her, and I'm so comfortable with her, I almost worried at first because we were so comfortable, but I know now that its the absolute best thing! Im her friend, and she's mine. I love my friend.

    Another thing I've been thinking about is how people can change, I have a little buddy... who has decided that he does not want to be my friend anymore. He avoids me, and dislikes me... it's hard at times, but i've realized I have done my part! And in the whole perspective, Im being blessed right now... and I am so grateful for my friendships and relationships...!

B is for Brittani. B is for Beautiful.

On my mind.

      I have been contemplating a lot of things in my life that are currently going on. I finally feel like I have direction, and goals to accomplish and I am so grateful for that. I know where "I" need to be, where "I" need to go, and it's a encouraging feeling. I have a beautiful family who supports me and wants me to succeed and become the best man I can. They have been a huge factor in the reason I want live a righteous and satisfying life. I am grateful for the gospel. I have struggled through my whole life wondering if I had a testimony, I felt like I was so far short of being what I needed to be... and regardless, I am so blessed. Just like the times when I was scared and my dad came to rescue me, I have felt that way with my Heavenly Father, and my savior Jesus Christ. Whenever I feel incapable, low, and weak... I am never truly alone. They continually keep me in their watch and care... even though I foolishly wander away. I am learning that they are always there for me, and I have come to the realization, that I never want to wander away.
 Another thing on my mind lately, is this beautiful girl, Brittani Finlayson. I struggle to write what I feel for her, and I can't pinpoint what it is about her, but it is perfection. She has made me so, so happy. I have been damaged from past experiences, and I swore I would not let my walls down. With her, I don't have walls. I have nothing to hide, I want to share with her everything I am feeling.  And for whatever reason why things all worked out now, I feel like it was meant to be. I hate saying goodbye to her, whenever it is. She is always on my mind, and I keep writing about her, because it is all that I really want to do... It's strange really, to not understand what love is entirely, but be convinced that you feel something that is so strong, even if it's so premature. It energizes me, and gives me the desire to keep moving forward. I am a lucky man, to have B.

My mind seems to always find its way to Brittani.

My comfort food.

Weezer has always been in my top 3. The blue album has been my favorite for probably 8 years... anyways. Good music, Cool picture, .... Um, it makes kyle's blog. haha!

Sunburn.

So im lifeguarding right now, well not RIGHT now, but thats my job. I get cooked everyday for 6 to 8 hours then come home with my internal core temperature around 150 farenheit. Its really the life. I dig it. Well anyways, had a fun night last night chillin out with this one girl:) And life is good!

Surrealism...

It's a unique experience to see a close friend leave for a long period of time. I know down deep it is where he is supposed to go, but it is just hard to leave the comfort that we have been so used to. A lot of things have been coming into my life lately that seem like they would never happen. And suprisingly... most of them have been good! I can think of one special thing that has come into my life unexpectedly. It makes me so happy, and so, so completely insecure at the same time. I wouldn't trade it for anything though. Frankly, life happens so fast, expect the unexpected! You never know, good things come to those who wait:)

Life, in general.

You know, getting a blog together is quite the process. I never thought I would actually come to get one, but the more I looked at the idea, this is the "Kyle Space." I cant write whatever I want, whenever I want. It's such a liberating feeling knowing I have this creative outlet. BOOM! I just wrote that, yes. Illustrating the point that I own something. My FREEDOM of expression, MY aesthetic experience with words, my EMOTIONAL wellness. We all deserve the opportunity of individualism, and I'm enjoying it right now as I am typing these words:) Life, in general. Is good!