10 days.

"I hope they call me on a mission."

   I've been called. I've been assigned to serve in Ventura, California. I leave in 10 days. It's a flood of emotion right now. I'm leaving everything I know, everything I have grown up with and finally become used to, and I'm going somewhere new. Somewhere where people don't know me, where people don't care who I am. Am I scared? Yes. I'm terrified. Am I excited? More excited than I've ever been. 

   I think the hardest thing for me, is leaving those who I love. I don't like to be far from my close ones. BUT, a thought came into my mind. I have close friends, eternal friends, waiting for me in Ventura. I just need to find them. I want my best friend (you're probably the only one reading this,) to send me letters! To keep me posted on her beautiful life. How much fun she is having, how swimming is going, and to just write, "I love you." I am going to always write her back, and barrage her with letters and emails:) 

   Oh, and see those shoes up top? Mine are going to look worse than those. I will work the hardest. I am going to wear myself out trying to bring those who are willing to accept the gospel into the church! It's going to be great. Mormon Californians baby:) thats the goal.

10 days... and counting. scared, excited, happy, sad, and everything in between.

I'm thankful.

I'm so grateful for this holiday. I'm grateful for my family. They have been my support through my whole life. Through my trials, through my achievements, just always. I love them and would give up everything for them. Another thing that's been on my mind is second chances. Im thankful that through God's grand scheme he's given me a second chance to learn. I lost somebody in my life because I was proud, and impatient. I thought I would never get her back again. Ive been dying for what seems like forever and last week, unexpectedly she showed up into my life, and things are amazing. I'm grateful for her. She makes me so happy... I dont have words to explain my feelings other than I love her. She has a beautiful soul, so kind but strong. Every girl I see doesn't come close to her, in personality, looks, and whatever it is! The problem with every girl is, they're not her. And she's what I want forever. I'm thankful for my second chances, and I'm thankful for b:)
I'm thankful for my life:)
I'm thankful for missions:)
I'm thankful for my savior:)
I'm just feeling extremely thankful.

Friends

Friends. I am so grateful for my friends. I have a close friend that teased me that everyone is my "best" friend. I just love those people in my life that have blessed my life. Never sacrifice a friendship for selfishness. I have made decisions in some cases that have hurt friends and I realized that friendship is an eternal principle. I can have friends forever. Just like my family:) Im blessed! I see the Lord's hand in guiding me to certain people who have become my closest friends. We build each other up and grow together. Anyways, I love you my friends. Thanks for all you do for me:)

So hard to do, so easy to say...

Things are good, life is limbo, and I'm growing everyday. I hate lying and saying that I'm always great, and everyone loves me. Truth is, I've screwed up in a lot of ways, and anyone who reads this, I'm specifically speaking to you and saying, I'm sorry. I don't try to sacrifice friendships, I don't try to ruin relationships, it's painful how I am placed in scenarios time and time again where I'm misunderstood, and people assume I have an alterior motive. World, I'm very sorry for the screw ups and I'm learning every day how I'm more and more human, full of flaws. BUT, it's the beauty of life, I have learned, I have grown and I can try my best to fix those things and move forward learning from past mistakes and doing my absolute best to be a good person, a good man. I love my family... I love my friends... And I love this girl. The same one, and only one I ever have. Im trying to do my best, to show love and support to those close to me, but sometimes I don't know exactly how. I'm now just rambling, but these are things on my mind, and I need to get them out on paper so I can have more sanity:) God loves us, I know he does... Timing is everything, and though timing in my life seems to always suck, God's timing is always right. Faith baby, that's what it all comes down to:)

Tim Mcgraw...

This has been a very interesting week and a half... I have been reflecting on basically everything going on in my life right now. Its almost as if someone pulled the blinders of my face and everything is flooding to me all at once. Im scared, excited, happy, sad, motivated, and a whole boxfull more of emotions. I keep thinking about the past, how good its been, how good my life was since the beginning of june. Its been a growing process for me, and I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned what love feels like, what it truly feels like. And it is the most incredible feeling. Its this feeling of, service, and passion and selflessness. I can't do it justice, I can't fully explain it. That giddy excitement, any time you know you are going to be with your love. Making every moment count, every moment engraining itself in your memory so that you can re live it over and over again. I learned how to love.
I learned that timing is so crucial in every human's life. That things are rarely accomplished in the time frame that "we" want, and that it's all in God's time. I know if I put him first, he'll take care of me. I am using my agency to give him my life. I know he is my master, and he truly loves me, when it feels that all other parts of my life are damaged and broken. I can always keep my chin up, be confident, and know that everything will all work out in time. I have a full 2 years away from this world I know now, and if I put my trust in the lord, then all the stressors of life will be sorted out. School. Work. Relationships... The biggest challenge, I've faced personally is patience. I know, that things will work out how they are meant to be. I also know, that we aren't supposed to just let life happen, we need to find a goal, and shoot for that goal. Give it everything to accomplish that goal and to make it work. So with these two concepts in my thoughts, I have been trying to apply them. To ask for guidance, to know what my father wants me to do, and then to go for it. To give it my all.
I was taking a shower today, listening to Tim Mcgraw and I was filled with thoughts and emotions of past times with someone so special to me. And that's what got me thinking about all of this.
I love life, and I still am in love. I still will be patient, and I'll still focus on what needs to be done.

COWBOY UP!

John Wayne... the man. I was thinking today about his comment, "lifes hard, its even harder if you're stupid."

Im done with all that. I've got 1 month left to have a ball, and im going to make every minute of it:)
So heres the goal, get a bunch of girls to write me... gotta love that.
I've got 3 different halloween parties to go to...
I need to read the BoM this month. front to back.
(no distractions)
write all my broha's and find out how their doing...
Get my buddy Seth back! he's my best bro ever.
Move on. ultimately. B and I broke up and I have to move on. I can't let one girl ruin my life and I just have to move forward, focus on other girls, focus on prep for the mission, and not be tied down! its fun. And honestly it feels good to be free of the ties.
Ima have some fun;)...

Because I'm still in love with you.

It's all a dream. It's been the most amazing dream I've ever had. I've fallen in love, and I've given my heart to someone. And now I'm stripped, I'm empty. Keeping my strong proud chin up while I'm dying inside, while I'm trying to tell myself, tomorrow will be all better, and I'll see my love, and she'll hold me and tell me everything will be okay. Then we'll go, with no plans and fill our day with each other. Her amazing smile, soft touch, just her. I will never deny my feelings for her. Whatever happens down this long windy road, im still in love with you. The funny stories, the family parties, the drives, walks, those nights under the stars on our golf course. It's gone. I've never been more damaged in my life. Im curious why the lord puts these people in my life, and then severs the relationships later. There's no one else. There's nothing I want other than you.
I've listened to "harvest moon" on repeat for an hour and a half because it's the only words that can touch how I'm truly feeling.
"when we were strangers, I watched you from afar,
When we were lovers, I loved you with all my heart."